Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”