*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!