I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Become ungovernable.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
pls suprot
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
that colleague who touches your screen
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.