what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.