saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
How it started How it’s going
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.