Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.