this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
President The Rock Obama
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.