netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
You Might Also Like
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.