If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
what
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
If snakes were wide
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁