Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.