just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.