Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes