My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
opening twitter today
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?