Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
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They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
#Caturday
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault