It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Lmao 🤣
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves