still the best tweet of the year by far
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.