me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
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Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
#damn
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler