I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
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you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
absolutely not
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons