[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.