The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.