“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
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So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.