Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
who named him groot and not spruce lee