Optional boss fight.
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Xylophonist Shredding It
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.