8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
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I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?