You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
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Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The photographer’s assistant
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”