Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger