me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
We’ve all been there…
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.