If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
no their not
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.