police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.