The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!