Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
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Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Guy who likes music
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.