uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
You Might Also Like
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone