My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Finally! 😈
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.