MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.