I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*