[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.