before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea