It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Love is in the air fryer.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
The Backseat Boys
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.