“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
birds and squirrels envy us
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*