WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married