“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!