THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
live, laugh, laundry.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”