[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium