If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
moms in horror movies
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*