Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You Might Also Like
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here