my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.