My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Love is in the air fryer.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Pickled cat.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Just got to our Airbnb!
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.