“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin