It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
You Might Also Like
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.