My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.